I've learned that no matter how many shirts I've ironed, loads of laundry I've washed, meals I've prepared, houses I've kept clean and things I've done to make life easier and better over the last 13 years. . .none of it matters.
I've learned that I was not the near-perfect wife I thought myself to be.
I've learned that security in man is an illusion.
I've learned that the fears and suspicions that I quieted on the nights he was late coming home, were in fact valid and true.
I've learned that all the religion, weight loss, self-discovery, appologies, heartfelt promises, grace and possitivity I can muster are powerless to bring him home if he finds another woman more exciting.
I've leaned there are a lot of books about divorce and forgiveness.
I've learned there are a lot of worthless books.
I've learned the power of positive thinking.
I've learned that single moms aren't handed things like society thinks.
I've learned that it's hard to be mommy and daddy.
I've learned just how large a part of my life Kevin was.
I've learned that letting him go feels a little bit like losing an appendage.
I've learned that there is a difference between love and connection.
I've learned that I was connected, by umbilical cord, to Kevin.
I've learned that when the umbilical cord is cut. . .breath and life come next.
I've learned that I also love him.
I've learned that sometimes love really isn't enough.
I've learned that no matter how much I love him, if he doesn't love me back. . .it's not going to work and it's not worth my time, effort and heart.
I've learned that you CAN'T make someone love you and the harder you try to force it, the more you become a manipulative nightmare of a person that is no longer recognizable to your friends or even yourself.
I've learned that sometimes it really is "too little, too late."
I've learned that the opposite of love is self-centeredness. (let that one sink in)
I've learned that the fairytale we all grew up believing in doesn't exist.
I've learned that love is hard and takes work.
I've learned to love the book of Psalms.
I've learned that beyond loving my children, I need them to keep my depression at bay.
I've learned to wait on God's plan.
I've learned that seeing a therapist doesn't make me crazy.
I've learned that my children are smarter and more observant and empathetic than I give them credit for. They see and understand more than they are told.
I've learned that the love of my children can not be bought with money and things and I don't need to fear them loving their father more than they love me.
I've learned to embrace the little things.
I've learned to seek comfort in the arms of Jesus.
I've learned that sometimes the act of trying to be positive and hopeful is a losing battle.
I've learned that when I lose that battle, I should stay in bed.
I've learned that I have to let go of the bitterness so that friends, family, strangers and potential new mates don't RUN when my divorce and I walk into a room.
I've learned that when it comes to money, I will settle for no less than what 3 kids and 13 years of my life are worth.
I've learned that giving up myself so that he could find his was STUPID.
I've learned that both partners in a marriage need a chance to chase a dream or two.
I've learned that outside apperance is very important in some relationships.
I've learned that I'm not interested in that kind of relationship.
I've learned that letting a marriage go without a fight is cowardly and dishonorable.
I've learned that I am NOT a coward.
I've learned that I am beautiful, talented, intelligent and self-disciplined; exciting, fun, balanced and a darn good mother.
I've learned that I am stronger and braver than I believed.
I've learned that I need to stop talking about the divorce except to a select few that will allow me to vent as long as I need to until I am healed.
I've learned that sometimes you can't be friends with your ex-husband or his lover and that is OKAY.
I've learned that all other pain pales in comparisson to the pain of divorce.
I've learned to never make a permanent decision in the midst of that pain.
I've learned that when I no longer care, that will be the only revenge I need.
I've learned that forgiveness is more for me and the healing of my soul than it is for the purgery of his or her guilt.
I've learned that journaling is extremely therapeutic and that writing things that I can't or shouldn't say to him/her helps to get the poison out of me without causing further damage.
I've learned not to send emotionally charged emails until 24 hours later.
I've learned that frozen waffles are great for dinner sometimes.
I've learned that the last things to return are your humor, self-worth and security.
I've learned that laughing at your ex and his decisions and actions might not be nice, but it's good for the mind.
I've learned the joy and freedom that come when you don't live in the shadow of someone's judgement.
I've learned that I gave Kevin entirely too much control over myself, my happiness, my decisions and my life.
I've learned to take that control back.
I've learned that I can turn my music up loud and sing along.
I've learned that I can't dance, but I have a great time trying.
I've learned that when the unhappy person is out of your life; colors are brighter, sounds are more beautiful and your own happiness returns, grows and intensifies.
I've learned that there is NO LIMIT to the possibilities my future holds.
I've learned that there comes a time when everything has been said and words are superfluous.
I've learned that when that time comes, the only thing left to do is leave it in God's hands and walk away.
I've learned that I will NOT be a second choice, a fall back plan. I am worthy of the #1 romantic spot in a man's life and will accept no less.
I've learned that it doesn't matter how many times I've moved to new houses, cities, states to help him chase a dream or find his happiness - the one time I don't will be all he remembers.
I've learned that I will not be alone forever, but for now it is a necessity.
I've learned that I've been lost for a long time.
I've learned that I am a treasure waiting to be found.
I've learned that I have been silent for far to many years.
I've learned that I am worth being heard.
I've learned that there are other men who can set my heart a-flutter and cause my cheeks to blush and daydreams to dance in my head.
I've learned that God and butterflies heal broken hearts.
I've learned that my happiness is in my own hands.
I've learned to be silly with my children.
I've learned to let a lot of the small stuff go.
I've learned. . .LIFE GOES ON.